Ah, Disney World — the Happiest Place on Earth — or as I like to call it, “The Most Expensive Cardio Class I’ve Ever Taken.”
My wife and I, two brave souls over 50 with questionable knees and a dream, decided to take on the Magic Kingdom like it was our Olympic trial. We strapped on our Mickey ears, slathered on sunscreen, and headed into the wild… along with 46,000 other people who apparently had the exact same idea that day.
We made it to Main Street, USA, which is apparently Latin for “You Will Be Elbowed By A Stroller Here.” Children were crying, parents were sweating, and everyone was either lost, hungry, or arguing over whether Lightning Lane was “worth it.” (Spoiler alert: It’s worth it if you enjoy paying $17 to not have your soul crushed in a 90-minute line for Peter Pan.)
Let’s talk about the food. You haven’t lived until you’ve paid $14 for a churro and then immediately dropped it because your hand was too sweaty. We tried the turkey leg, which was roughly the size of a baseball bat and had the romantic aroma of “medieval banquet meets sidewalk heat.” Delicious!
The rides were incredible. By that, I mean we walked 11 miles in a figure-eight pattern and the only ride we actually got on before 3:00 p.m. was the monorail — twice. At one point, I found myself bonding emotionally with a trash can because we’d been standing next to each other in line for so long.
Oh, and Cinderella Castle? Magical. Gorgeous. Majestic. But also very good at hiding all the shady spots. Standing in front of it for a photo was like posing for a family picture on the surface of the sun.
By 7:00 p.m., we were sunburned, slightly delirious, and had spent roughly the equivalent of a used Honda Civic on mouse-shaped snacks and souvenirs. We bought a bubble wand, a light-up cup, three Mickey pretzels, and matching T-shirts that say, “We’re Too Old For This…But Here We Are.”
And yet, as we watched the fireworks explode over the castle and “Happily Ever After” played in the background, we both agreed — Disney still has the magic. Even if that magic comes with a hefty price tag, aching feet, and a bladder schedule controlled by Dole Whip.
Next time? We’re bringing knee braces, a scooter, and a GoFundMe.
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